About Me

I hear a lot of people say everyone’s unique. I think that’s bullshit. I’m unique: a penis that looks more bowling-pin-oid than phallic is rare; a penis that looks so much like a bowling-pin as to, in my view, nearly prove there is intelligent design is unique. Make no mistake, or at least not this one–I did not say I’m unique in being unique. I just think people tend to overblow the rate of uniqueness, and that’s not to mention the ungrammatical fucks who try to intensify “unique”–you know, shit like “very unique” and “more unique.” That pisses me off.

I guess I’ve been mostly pissed off since I first saw a normal dick. I think I was fifteen. Must have been health class. It’s coming back now!

“So that’s the female reproductive system. Any questions?”

Mrs. Bonaldo, a MILF if I’ve ever seen one, faced us expectantly as we boys wondered about her such system, confirming this nonverbally with each other; and the girls, well, can’t speak for them.

No one bit, so she took her sexy self over to the garbage bag neatly containing the semester and slid a laminated, poster-sized sheet of paper out.

“Are we gonna talk about schlongs now?” said Arthur Malley, whom we promptly rewarded with the kind of boyish uproar you’d expect. I think it still holds up as funny.

“Yes, Arthur.” Bonaldo said dispassionately.

She put the poster over the female-system diagram.

I glanced at it, giggly by knee-jerk, and noticed something. What it was didn’t register at first over Arthur’s barrage of dick jokes and blow-job-giving gestures, but obviously at some point I realized my dick wasn’t normal.

If you’re into freakshow dicks–sexually into them–send me a message, cuz my strudel is symmetrically and smoothly deformed and I’m really horny!



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