The Dirtiest Insult

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2013 by JC

No doubt the dirtiest personal slam ever wrought by this here pen:

Your cocktail of passive-aggressive jealousy and unaddressed insecurities has been sitting a while now. Reminds me of the rancid clam of an old whore who’s been assfucked so many times she can’t stand up without dropping a steaming river of brown stink.

Feel free to use it if the moment strikes but be sure to give proper citation: JAC, aka Dishonest Abe, 2013!

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Cornflower Labyrinth

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2013 by JC

Please read this aloud in whatever accent you deem appropriate.

Soh I was ouht with some friends, see, and they tried to get me to drink some putrid shite wine titled “Ohhhhhld Faht.” And naturally I said “sorry, fohlks, but I’m partial to Cohrnflower Labyrinth wine. Don’t you just love the name? Problem with Ohhhhhld Faht is that it simultaneously reminds me of The Great Gohhhhhtsby, you know, Old Spohhhhhrt, and that well-wrought stohhhhry about the jizzy fahhhhht Ricky took in his unwashed mouth.”

My friends, and I had been trying for this sooohhhh long, finally offered dick-in-dick, all of them. I don’t know if it was the Cohhhhhhnflower Labyrinth or the Old Spohhhht reference or the Ricky’s Dead, Time for a Shop reference but either way he-yes I thought I was on my way to that pantwrenching prohspect of dick-in-dick yes.

So then I said “yehhhhs, I’ll go off and pry myself ready for you bucks with my mini jaws of life. Be back in a flash!”

Got back to the table, stretched just right, and they were gone, sadly, must have had other engagements. I still have yet to collect on those offers. I call all the time about it, leave messages, all that yes and still I’m waiting and still I’m sipping my Cohhhhhhrnflower Labyrinth, drunk on it and visions of platonic dick-in-dick yes. I’ll let you all know!

Tooooooootaloooooooooooooooooooo!

In Love on a Boat

Posted in literature, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2013 by JC

I

It’s fun, being in love and on a boat. I was, a long time ago. That was when I knew a woman who was happy to be in love and on a boat. Now I do not, and I do not know where I will find another, but I know where it is most likely to happen.

By the sea there is a boat on which I have been and seen women in love with men. I cannot be sure that the women on the boat who do not appear to be in love or who are in love but unhappy would be happy if on a boat and in love, and so I will horn a man or I will steal his woman without horning him on this boat if she looks happy and in love and I would like to be with her.

II

I am on the boat and we are in the water. I am approaching a man and a woman who appear to be in love with each other and happy. I would like to be with this woman but she is currently with this man and so I will separate them or wreck their home.

“Quite a view, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is,” says the woman I would like to be with.

“Yes, it is. Rick Shaw.”

“Rick Shaw? But we’re already on a boat!”

She laughs and I can see that Rick Shaw feels threatened but does not want to project that emotion. We shake hands and the woman looks at me with attraction.

III

It is now dinner time and I have been with Mr. Shaw and the woman for several hours. The woman continues to ask me questions as Mr. Shaw continues to buy me drinks.

“So you said you are from the port city?”

“Yes. I used to be a fisherman but now I am retired.”

“You look fit. I would not have guessed you were old enough to be retired.”

“Margaret!”

“That’s still my name. So, Mr. Coyle, are you married?”

I imagine Mr. Shaw did not feel good by this point.

“No. I have several children but I have never been married.”

“We do not have any children because Richard is sterile and I do not enjoy having intercourse with him and I do not want to marry him. I am glad you are here.”

THE END

Mutual Noninterference

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2013 by JC

The moon bowed like a fishing line if you could remember its trajectory. I watched it all night and didn’t do much else. No one was around. Good. No noise. Good. It took a lot to surround myself with nothing but nature those days. It took a lot to get away at all. But there I was, where I wanted to be. Now that I was there I didn’t have to think about where I was, or where to go. If you’re doing what you want to do and you’re where you want to be, there’s not much room for anxiety about such things.

“Sir.”

I jumped. I had no choice in the matter.

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Sitting.”

“And?”

“I would rather be alone.”

“I would rather be sitting where you’re sitting than standing where I’m standing.”

I stood and turned around.

He was a short man, about five-seven. I am a tall man, about six-four. He was thin. I am not.

I sat back down and I do not know what he did next.

Integrity

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2013 by JC

I won’t make myself clear enough to them, and that’s why they say their dripping and thipping won’t stop. They’ll never be satisfied as long as they harbor passive disgust for their own creative sterility, flaccidity.

They keep it so cruelly hot in here, in this effective oven, that they won’t come in, the sanctimonious pussies, the aimless who sling shit from afar and, in their hearts of hearts, on petty, irrelevant grounds.

I won’t say what they want me to say in the way they want me to say it, I won’t say what I want to say in the way they want me to say it, and I won’t say what they think I should want to say in the way they want me to say it—in the way they’re conditioned to hear it.

They’ve given me plenty of chances, goaded me relentlessly to abandon integrity, and I won’t; I’ve had plenty of chances to give up what makes me a man, what makes my aesthetic mine, and I will not.

The compassionate writer knows when to say “with all due respect, I don’t respect your opinion, and I suggest you fuck off before you begin to consciously see yourself as an addled fool.”

With love,
JC

A Principled Writer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2013 by JC

A principled writer knows when to say “with all due respect, I don’t respect your opinion.”

A Writer Out of Control?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2013 by JC

Showed my friend a first draft, which he criticized as self-indulgent and lazy.

My first thought: “I believe you to be a jealous, oblivious-to-intent bitch who’s taking his abject cuckoldry by nature out on the nearest alpha.”

My second thought: “it is self indulgent, and was meant to be. Thanks for your feedback, my friend.”